17 Weeks Again

“17 Again” is a movie about a man, fed up with working a job he hates, and living a life he can’t stand.  In an effort to recapture his past glories, he magically becomes a teenager again.  Correct me if I’m wrong, but hasn’t this movie been made somewhere between eight and thirty eight times already.  The movie “Big,” with Tom Hanks, and “13 Going on 30,” with Jennifer Gardner, were the exact same plot.  It is already widely accepted that Hollywood has completely run out of original ideas, but the writers and producers aren’t even trying to give it a new angle.  Here’s what the next inevitable remake should be:

 

 

Paul, distressed and depressed, sits alone at a Chinese restaurant.  The rain beats on the glass window behind him and the thunder rattles the pane.  His cell phone rings and the name “Mommy” appears on the phone’s screen.

Paul

Hi, Mom.  Yes I will be home soon.  I’m just eating dinner with some friends…What do you mean what friends?  I have friends….No, you’re wrong they only beat me up because that’s our thing.  You know, they beat me up, I pretend to bleed, it’s all fun….Yes I know I’m 45….No I don’t think that’s too old to be bullied.  Mommy, I’ll talk to you when I get home.

Paul hangs up the phone.  He speaks to himself.

Paul

I’m sick of being old.  I want to be a kid again.  I want to not have to worry about work, and money and bills anymore.  I wish I could just go back.

The waiter walks up to the table and places a tray holding the bill and a fortune cookie.

Waiter

Thank you, Sir.  Here is your fortune.  I hope it brings you happiness and sunshine.

Paul

Yea, sure.  Thanks.

Paul grabs the fortune and unwraps it before holding it between both his hands in prayer.  He brings his praying hands holding the cookie up to his face and closes his eyes.  He thinks to himself.

Paul (Voiceover)

I wish this fortune could make all my struggle go away.

Paul crumbles up the cookie and takes out the fortune paper.  He reads it aloud.

Paul

Those doomed by their future are only living in their past.

Paul crumples the fortune and throws it on the table.

Paul

Great, another disappointment.  Stupid fortune cookie.

The scene fades.  The next scene begins with Paul opening his eyes.  He looks around the room and there are pleasant shades of blue covering his walls.  He can barely make out the décor of his bedroom as his eyes can’t see past wooden strips that surround him.  He looks toward the ceiling and sees stars, moons and spaceships hanging from strings and circling above his head.  The door opens.

Mommy

Hi, baby.  Did you sleep well?

Paul opens his mouth to answer, but spit flies out instead.  He rolls over to face his Mommy, but doesn’t have the strength to succeed.

Paul (Voiceover)

What’s going on?  Why can’t I speak?  Why can’t I get out of bed?

Mommy

Aw, baby.  Let me clean you up.

The Mommy picks up Paul and wipes his mouth clean.  She cradles him in her arms and moves across the room to sit in a rocking chair.  Paul again opens his mouth to speak, but cries come out instead.

Mommy

I think someone’s hungry.  Here let’s have some breakfast.

The Mommy unbuttons her flannel nightgown and pulls out her bosom. 

Mommy

Here, baby.  Have some breakfast while Mommy wakes up.

The Mommy pushes Paul’s face into her chest.  Paul resists with all this might, but is no match.

Paul (Voiceover)

No, oh my God!  Why does she have that out?  Why is she pushing me towards it?  Stop, Mommy.  I don’t want to touch that, you’re my Mommy.

The Mommy finally wins the battle of strengths with Paul and forces his mouth onto her bosom.  He bites her.

Paul (Voiceover)

Stop it!  I’m not putting my mouth on that.  Why are you doing this?  Mommy, please leave me alone, I need to get to work.

Mommy

Ouch!  You bit Mommy.  Fine, I guess you’re not hungry yet.  But I bet I know a little boy that needs a changing.

Paul (Voiceover)

What are you talking about?  A change of what?  Put me down!

The Mommy stands up from the rocking chair and carries Paul over to a long, clean table.  She puts him down.  He tries to stand up again, but can’t even roll over.  She grabs his feet and begins taking off his footsie pajamas. 

Paul (Voiceover)

Why am I wearing footsie pajamas?  What happened to my adult Superman PJs?  Mommy did you change my clothes last night?

Paul tries to speak again, but this time spits up discolored liquid onto his chest and mouth.

Paul

Why can’t I speak?  What is happening to me?

Mommy

Aw, someone seems a little sick this morning.  I’ll give you a bath right after I get this stinky diaper off you, baby.  Look at these cute little feet.  I just want to eat the up.

The Mommy put his bare feet in her mouth. 

Paul (Voiceover)

That’s weird, why does my entire foot fit in her mouth?

Mommy

And look at your little pee-pee.  I don’t care what your father said before he left, I’m glad we never got it cut.  It’s so much cuter this way.

Paul (Voiceover)

What?  Cute?  Little?  I know I’m no basketball player, but I’m slightly under average at worst.

Paul lifted his head up just enough to look at his waist.  His eyes open wide and he tries to gasp, but only coughs a dainty cough.

Paul (Voiceover)

Oh my God!  It’s so small.  Smaller than usual.  Am I?  No, I can’t be.  Am I an infant?

Yada, yada, yada, the movie continues and goes on in this fashion.  Things happen, laughs are had, eventually he learns a lesson and the credits roll.

I think it’s much funnier to have the middle aged person become a baby than a teenager.  Teenagers are awkward and goofy, but a baby would need to do all sorts of gross things like breastfeed, be changed, and soil themselves.  What if that baby had the mind of an adult, but wasn’t able to accomplish or verbalize anything beyond the infant stage?  Now that’s comedy gold.  Imagine the possibilities.  Trying to hit on the babysitter but throwing up on himself instead.  Trying to climb out if his crib and equating it to being trapped in prison.  He could even play a tiny, plastic harmonica.  I think this movie needs to be made before someone else writes the next installment of this repeated script.  Hollywood, call me, I’ll be waiting…