Wow it's been a while

So I guess it's been quite some time since my last post. It's boggling to realize how much time has passed and how much change has occurred. Some good, some bad. Some happy, some painful. But I guess that's life; right when you think you've got it all figured out, have it all mapped out and planned, life swoops in and blows down everything you've built. Because in life, we don't make house out of brick, but rather sticks and straw. Everything in life is temporary. The good, the bad, the happy and the sad, it's all momentary and it's all changing with every tick of the clock.

So what does it all mean? What am I talking about? Ultimately, and honestly, I guess it really doesn't matter. My words can just be an analogy to anyone's life.

What have I learned? I wish I could say something smart, or clever, or insightful. I wish I learned something deep about my life, but I didn't. Or at least nothing I didn't already know. The entire world I envisioned, the entire life I believed would accompany me throughout my days, decided to turn upside down and inside out. In a heartbeat. A broken one at that.

So yea, what else is new? Same old story; boy meets girl, boy falls in love with girl, boy loses girl. It's the theme of every other movie, book and story ever told. It happens to us all at some point. The details are insignificant. And the memories? Maybe not insignificant, but simply thoughts. Because a memory is something to look back upon. Something deserving of remembrance. But these aren't, and not because they no longer hold value, but because these thoughts, aren't memorable in the sense that they deserve to be remembered anymore. The weight they carry is so loaded with whys and whatifs and butonlys.

But that's not what this is about, I've rambled myself into a dark corner. This isn't about the past, because it's gone. And this isn't about the future, because you never actually experience it. It's about the right now. The this moment. The split second that it takes to type out each individual l-e-t-t-e-r. That's really all that has any importance. Sure we can plan, and look back, but neither one is tangible. And therefore don't actually exist. If, like a Looney Toons character, I was hit on the head by a falling Acme anvil, and suffered from amnesia, what once was wouldn't exist at all. And what was hoped for wouldn't even be remembered. All I'd be concerned with was, "which way did he go? Which way did he go?"

I had a point...I think. But it's been lost. My point is now lost in the past, so I guess it really doesn't matter anymore. I could try and stabilize my words by coming up with a new point, but that would be so far into the future, it wouldn't matter and I'd never arrive at it. So I guess my point is whatever I'm saying in each and every sentence. And in this sentence my point has completely shifted.

Where am I going? That's the question I thought to write about. Not where I've been. A question necessitating significant pondering about the future. And we all now how I feel about that. But it helps I guess, as a frame of reference. As a direction to follow, and if you change your course midway, well then that's the road you follow. Robert Frost wrote about taking the road less travelled, but always wondered about his choice. I guess that's human nature, questioning every decision you make, wondering how things could have been. But not me. I don't wish I had done anything differently. I've never wished I took that right instead of the left. I've never regretted a single thing in my entire life. And not because everything has turned out peachy, no quite the opposite. And not because I've succeeded and had no mistakes, failures, or sorrows. But because every decision I have ever made, was made, at that exact moment, because it was exactly what I wanted to do. Sure, the emotions of any one moment could cloud the senses of your own morality at times, but isn't that life. The moment. A mistake in the moment isn't really a mistake until that moment passes. That mistake is you. You are the mistake. Because at that moment, you reasoned with yourself how and why your actions, or words, were exactly what you needed to do or say. People are inherently selfish, or at least self preservers of their own health, wealth, happiness and well being. So every action we make at any moment is out of our own good judgement.

Yet regret is a fickle monster, because even after my own reasoning, I still feel regret. Not because I made a mistake, but because doing exactly what I wanted at several important moments in my life has altered the road I was traveling. Maybe for the best, maybe not. Does it all happen for a reason? I doubt it. Can I change any of it all? Not a chance. Would I change it? Since wishes aren't real and fairy tales don't exist, I guess it doesn't really matter.

All that matters is right now. All that matters is what you're reading, which is the future to me. All that matters is what I'm writing, which is the past to you. All that matters is that what's done is done, not to be remembered and not to be forgotten. All that matters is that at this moment I don't know what my point was. And all that matters is that at this moment, you probably don't know what it was either.